Blog, Fabulously Feminine

Divorce and relationships: adults are responsible to protect the child from any emotional battle/abuse!

At times i feel i could write a book on relationships and divorce! Divorce sucks… Let’s make that very clear.

Unfortunately I am divorced myself, financial reasons and not so much that we hated each other’s guts. Just both also realised we needed to move on going our own separate ways. Peaceful not blaming the other and no war as that was my strong wish so our two children would not suffer emotional blackmail/abuse from either one of us. That is what I had learned from my own childhood experience. One thing was clear no abusing/using the kids to get at the other parent. No payback time or disgust. That’s is not what life is about.

Life happens to us and we do not have a manual as to how to go about it in a perfect manner. Perfection is an illusion! We all make mistakes except the art is not to blame anyone else but yourself. The hardest thing is to look in the mirror and reflect on your own behaviour. Honesty is tuff but eventually it is the stuff that makes you grow and succeed in your life.

Anyway…. My parents got divorced when I was 17 years old and my sister was 15. The fact that they got divorced was sad of course, never good to break the family system, but it was the fierce on going battle that followed that had the most impact  on us emotionally. The bitterness and the blaming… My mother was very resentful and blamed my dad for everything… Although we could see as children that that was definitely not the case. She had a new partner not him. All fine but then no games during the divorce procedures….. However this did not happen… drama upon drama, playing victim and feeling sorry for herself. Blaming the world for her misfortune.

In my eyes my mother was only concerned with herself and her own well being and created drama upon drama…. Making me and my sister feel more like the responsible adult…. A role never to have to be put upon any child. We finally had to really cut loose from it and were advised to start leading our own lives without feeling guilty for how her life was developing. She lived with her partner happily though and peace returned after 10 years. We hold no grudge against her now that she has become so ill …. !

Frequently I hear stories of adults in a similar position using their children to get back at the other… Often the father … Kicking the child out of the house and using the child as a pawn in their battle. The child will eventually mistrust the mother and will not want to go back to her again and will feel safe with her/his father. The mother begs to have the child back but emotionally the damage has already been done. The child will feel pulled by its loyalty strings attached to the heart of both parents, but will choose deep down where it feels safest! Luckily in most cases one of the parents is willing to take the child in…. Unfortunately there are many cases in which the child becomes the victim of the battle of the parents and has no home to go to and then ends up in foster families, which can lead to complex emotional problems if the child does not experience love, trust, kindness and respect from any other adult entering into their world. This is a whole different ball game and I will not enter into this.
This is where adults forget to take full responsibility for their children and their emotional well being. I guess you could say at the time my mother abused us emotionally being a total tyrant and diva. Bless her, now she has severe form of Alzheimer’s and her husband suffers her loss. My sister and I have had to go through our own healing processes, hold no grudge to what happened and have let go…. If you always live in the past and hold grudges to how your parents treated you or to how anybody treated you, you can then not turn a new page and your life cannot unfold itself in a positive way. The negative energy surrounding your drama will dominate and no lightness of being can develop or even grow within you for that matter of fact.

So therefore we are now both a relationship coach and a psychologist and support many women and men both young and old in their search for happiness and harmony in the family system or patchwork family system. More and more children and adults live in a patchwork family system and how to make that one work is an art in it self!!! It’s got to work on all sides and what if it doesn’t how do you go about living as peacefully as possible…. Well in my opinion it all boils down to LOVE and LOVEABILITY. If you LOVE yourself and feel happy and are loved by others and can open your own heart and LOVE others unconditionally then you can stand your ground in a patchwork family. Keep believing in yourself and show kindness and respect to others in . the system and eventually they will warm towards you. Love always wins over hate and anger.

❤️

My sister can be contacted here

you can contact me on my contact page on this website

Or if you have any relationship question which I can answer  don’t hesitate to contact me at  £1,00 per answered question made payable upfront via paypal.

So  if you feel you are stuck and at a crossroads in your life…. Do the right thing and reach out for help… Whether it be me or someone else….. It can be so healing and helpful for an outsider to shed  light on your own situation …. It’s your life and your happiness at stake!  ❤️

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